Um...
I've been doing comedy now for...
uh, well, I started when I was 18
and now I'm 31...
so, I think that's, that's about... No.
I'm 46... I just turned 46 and I didn't...
I thought last year I was 44.
That's how dumb I am.
I totally was walking around going, "Yeah, I'm 44."
And then on my birthday, somebody said,
"How old are you today?"
And I said, "I'm 45."
And my friend who knows me goes, "No you're not.
You were 45 all year... You're 46 now."
And I was like... Like I aged two years in like a minute.
Like, "Oh...
Ahh!"
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com
Hey...
Listen...
Hey!
Hey, hey listen! Right up!
Heads up!
Hey, let her go! Hey!
We have an orangutan... Come on!
Oh!
Hey, what's up, comedian?
Hey, Tony... How's it going?
Hey, I got a joke for you.
It's not going to be another racist...
No, no, no... This is about Pinocchio.
I mean, you know Pinocchio, right?
Mm-hmm.
So Pinocchio is going down on this chick.
Okay, I know... No, no, no.
So Pinocchio is like, going down on his girlfriend, like,
eating her pussy, you know? I know this joke, Tony.
I mean, Pinocchio is down there eating pussy.
I mean, he's down there eating and licking it all up
and she goes:
"Oh yeah, oh yeah, eat that pussy, Pinocchio!
Come on, get it!"
I think you got the joke wrong.
No, I don't.
Yeah, she's supposed to say, "Lie to me, lie to me."
See, 'cause see...
His nose grows and it goes in her vagina.
That's... No, no, no, no.
You ruined it... That's not the joke.
Yes it is because...
when Pinocchio lies, his nose gets bigger.
It goes up...
No, no, no... It's Pinocchio.
I mean, the joke is it's Pinocchio, you see?
Pinocchio, he's a puppet.
He's going down there eating pussy.
I mean, it's hilarious!
Why do you gotta clutter it up?
I mean, aren't you a comedian?
Ugly cocksucker.
So you want to go to a movie later?
By yourself?
Do you want to go to a movie later?
I can't... I gotta pick up the kids at school.
Don't sound very excited about it.
I'm not particularly excited about it.
It's just, you know what, it's Tuesday.
And Tuesdays are hard, 'cause that's like,
the transition day between from, like,
show hours, you know, nighttime work
to, like, morning with the kids.
Yeah.
Get up early... It's just hard... It's stressful.
Yeah.
Can I make a suggestion?
Sure.
Abandon your kids.
Then you can sleep later.
No, I can't do that.
Why not?
You're not their mom... You're their dad.
No one cares about dads.
Dads don't matter, man.
Is your dad not around?
My dad... He's great.
He showed me unconditional continuous love
since the day I was born.
I'd be nowhere without my dad.
So why is it okay for me to walk out on my kids?
Because your kids suck.
And you suck at comedy.
I hate your kids... I've met them... I don't like them.
I drew little pictures of them when I saw them
and I ripped the pictures up right in front of their faces.
Daddy.
What?
My backpack is too heavy.
Can you carry it for me please?
No, I would never do that to you.
Do what?
Take your burden away from you.
Daddy, that's not taking, that's helping.
No, it's not because, see, it would deprive you
of your growth and development.
Daddy, my back hurts.
If I don't help you and you struggle,
then you get stronger.
No.
By doing more than you believe you can do...
That's not true.
You put yourself in a moment of doubt and pain...
Just stop, just stop!
Give it to me, give it to me.
Here... Thank you, Lily.
Shut up, Jane.
What are you making for dinner?
Broccoli and pasta.
Ew... Yuck.
Get away from me... Get away... get far away from me.
"Yuck."
Homework?
Mm-hmm.
"Dear AIDS"?
We have to write a letter to AIDS.
As an assignment.
Okay.
I don't know what to say to AIDS.
Um...
"Dear AIDS, Please cut it out."
Uh... "How's the weather in AIDS Land?"
It's not funny, Dad... It's serious.
Okay.
It's very serious.
Very serious.
"Dear AIDS."
Daddy, do the Beatles.
Daddy, can I get my own bedroom?
Not really, there's no more rooms in this apartment.
Can we move?
No.
Goodnight. Goodnight.
Do the Beatles!
Daddy, are you going out tonight?
Yeah, but not till you're sleeping.
But who's going to stay with us?
It doesn't matter, you'll be asleep.
Yeah, but who?
Mrs. Frame.
Ew! Okay, don't do that.
Daddy. No...
Goodnight.
Daddy, please. What?
Do the Beatles. No, goodnight.
Daddy, do the Beatles... Please!
Daddy, please. Come on.
Please.
Hello, I'm John.
And I'm Paul.
And I'm George.
And I'm Ringo.
All right, goodnight.
Good night.
Goodnight, Daddy.
I'll be back in just a couple hours.
Okay, that's fine.
Uh, thanks for helping out again.
I appreciate it. Okay, that's fine.
But life is short.
A lot of people are fond of saying that.
Life is short.
And it is.
Life is short if, uh, you're a child who died.
But it's...
it's not.
At 46 it's not short anymore.
It's long, man... Life is...
It feels like it's taking a long time
to get through this shit.
This is long.
There are days that are long.
You ever have a day where you're like,
"All right with this one...
"Can we just... On and on, this one goes.
"Can I go to bed yet?
"It's four p. M... I'm going to bed.
That's p.m."
If it was socially acceptable to go to bed at four p.m.
and wake up at two p.m., I would totally do that.
If it was socially acceptable to have an electric wheelchair
when there's nothing wrong with you.
Okay, I'll call.
Oh, shit.
What's the matter?
I forgot to jack off today.
You forgot?
Yeah, I guess it just slipped my mind.
You need a personal assistant.
You should tie a string around your finger.
How many times a day you jack off?
Maybe once.
I'm old now... It used to be seven.
Used to be like, seven, exactly?
Seven on the nose.
On the no... You jerk off on your nose?
Gym, tan, laundry.
What? I don't know.
GTL.
Who jacks off the most here?
I'll volunteer.
I'm good for between six and eight a day
depending on what else I got going on.
That sounds like a lot.
Does to my neighbors.
How about you?
How many times do you do whatever you guys do?
Maybe even up to like four or five times if I'm home sick.
Really. Not homesick, but home.
Not feeling well.
And I'm always pressing it.
If I'm home, I'm like, pressing on it.
If I'm home alone.
What do you mean, pressing it?
I don't know, I'm like, pressing it.
What is it, a Panini?
What kind of toys do you use?
Why does everyone think that girls need toys to get off?
'Cause I need toys to get off.
What, like a fire truck?
Like a chess set?
Frisbee?
Your niece's Big Wheel?
Can I explain?
This is for real.
He's all upset.
"Come on, fellas, give me a chance."
Yeah, I mean, you're asking me something,
I'm trying to tell you and all of a sudden.
You use toys?
Yeah... I got a vibrator and a dildo.
A dildo? Yeah, a dildo.
How do you use them?
It's no great mystery.
Yeah, it is.
No, it's not. No, it really is.
No, it's not.
No... I hold the vibrator against the shaft
and then I slowly rotate it against the balls.
I love the way he talks about his dick in the third person.
Third person!
I start off with a nice circular motion
and then I pick up speed.
And then kablowy.
Kablowy... You come like Batman?
Very nice. Yeah.
Yeah, a little sign shoots out of my dick.
Right into Robin's mouth.
You need to tell us, where does the dildo go?
Oh, it stays in the drawer.
But that's... my question is how.
No, it's just knowing that I have a dildo in the drawer.
It makes me feel bad.
And that helps me come.
Jesus.
Oh my God, Jim, I love you so much.
All right, all right... We need a ruling on this.
Is that gay?
Well, as the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court
of Everything That's Gay,
that's pretty gay.
It's not gay.
Oh, it's pretty gay. No it's not.
Yeah. That's the point.
That's pretty gay.
If I was gay, I'd just ram that jolly dildo
right up my stupid asshole.
Thatta girl.
It's because I'm straight
and I know that I got this big black dildo in my desk drawer...
Oh, it's black.
You have a desk?
You see?
It's long.
It should say on the dildo
"From the desk of Jim Norton."
I've never known a guy to have a vibrator.
How do you...
A vibrator makes you come?
Oh, it makes me come so good.
That... it's taken my orgasms from threes to 10s.
I don't even fantasize about choking you anymore.
That little gizmo has made my life good.
Really... It's that good?
Oh.
Asks the future purchaser of a vibrator.
You want to borrow mine, Lou?
No, I'm not asking...
"No, I'm not gonna go get a vibrator immediately."
Not pre-owned. I'm just curious.
Dude, did you see the other day,
the guy who stole the panties?
No, what happened?
I just stopped him.
I scared him, he dropped them and he just ran out.
Always happens.
Hilarious.
Hi, can I help you find something?
Um...
Just, uh... some vibrators.
Okay. Some vibrators.
If you have any. It's no problem.
We have some here.
Is this for your girlfriend?
This is for you?
That's no problem.
I can personally recommend these.
It's kind of... Those are silvery.
I don't know about the silvery thing.
Okay.
We have a few more colors here.
I think we need to stop ordering cock rings.
Well, I'm not ordering the cock rings.
They're building up.
I didn't have anything to do with all those cock rings.
We have a whole bunch.
Better talk to Niecey.
Was there anything else you were interested in?
Well, I don't know about the penis-colored ones.
Okay.
Um, well...
What about the... Ahh!
Sorry. Are you okay?
Ahh.
I don't know what I just did.
Ah.
Do you need me to call someone?
Ah.
No, no, no.
Do you want to sit down... I can call an ambulance.
No, no, no, thank you, thank you very much.
Ah.
Okay. Oh.
Yo, look at him sitting all fat on the curb.
Shit.
Taxi.
Taxi, taxi!
Taxi, taxi, please.
Are you okay... Did you fall down?
No, no, I hurt my back.
Should I, should I call an ambulance?
No, thank you very... No, thank you.
I'm just trying to get a taxi and I can't get high enough.
Taxi, Taxi! Oh.
I didn't... Oh.
Oww!
Oh... oh.
Thank you very much. Oh.
Hello.
Yes?
Uh, I'm, uh, I live in the building
and I have... my doctor.
I have a doctor, but he's dead.
So, I guess I was just wondering
if I could meet Dr. Bigelow about maybe
being his patient starting now
because I have a back thing.
Well, the doctor is eating his lunch.
But let me see.
That's all right... I'll just check with him.
Thank you... Thank you.
He'll see you now... Go right in.
Thank you so much.
Thank you very much.
What can I do for you?
Uh, well, I hurt my back today really bad.
Uh.
Can you help me with my back?
I mean...
What's wrong with your back?
It hurts.
My professional diagnosis is your back hurts.
Well, what can I do about it?
Nothing.
Nothing?
The problem is you're using it wrong.
The back isn't done evolving yet.
You see, the spine is a row of vertebrae.
It was designed to be horizontal.
Then people came along and used it vertical.
Wasn't meant for that.
So the disks get all floppy, swollen.
Pop out left, pop out right.
It'll take another.
I'd say 20,000 years to get straightened out.
Till then, it's going to keep hurting.
So that's it?
It's an engineering design problem.
It's a misallocation.
We were given a clothesline
and we're using it as a flagpole.
So what should I do?
Use your back as it was intended.
Walk around on your hands and feet.
Or accept the fact that your back
is going to hurt sometimes.
Be very grateful for the moments that it doesn't.
Every second spent without back pain
is a lucky second.
String enough of those lucky seconds together,
you have a lucky minute.
Okay.
Come see me when you have something fun
like a blood disease.
That's what I went to school for.
Okay, I think I got it.
All right. Thank you very much.
Bad back, huh?
Yeah... I guess there's no cure.
Want to know what I do?
My back always hurts because of this chair.
This really works.
You just rub it all over your upper back,
lower,
wherever you can reach.
Mmm.
Oh.
Yeah, life is long and then it's over.
And, uh, a lot of people wonder what happens after that.
What happens after you die?
It's a big question for human beings.
What happens after you die?
Actually, lots of things happen after you die,
just none of them include you.
'Cause... you're not in anything anymore.
But there's all kinds of shit.
There's the Super Bowl every year
and there's a dog catching a Frisbee.
I just met somebody who's 31 and she was like,
"I'm getting old, I'm in my 30s."
31 is not old.
Maybe you think that when you turn 31, but it's not.
You don't know till you're 46, which is what I am,
how young 31 really is.
31 is young enough that you could murder somebody
and get caught and still have a pretty good life.
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com